Watching out for Whales

While cleaning out file cabinets I found some of the humor columns I wrote for the local newspaper years ago. I think it was in the late '80's. One really made me laugh so I thought I'd share:

WATCHING OUT FOR WHALES AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR
In my own personal vision of heaven, I see the greatest mansion, heaped full of the biggest rewards, sitting on the highest pinnacle, nearest the heart of God. It is populated with church nursery workers, elementary Sunday School teachers, and children's ministers. Eventually each one is released from his or her straight jacket, able to stop babbling incoherently, and free to enjoy the surroundings.

Having learned from reading the story of Jonah, who got swallowed by a whale because he didn't go where God told him to go, I minister to children about twice a year. God seems to understand that's all I can handle because so far I have not had any whales come to gobble me up.

Recently I made on of my semi-annual "insurance against being whale food" endeavors.
Several churches in a nearby community held an all day youth gathering and I was to speak to four different groups for 40 minutes each. The first seminar was a piece of cake and I relaxed and prepared to enjoy the day.

Then I went to the room set aside for 10 - 12 year olds. After ten minutes I had them all seated on the tables. (You notice I wrote 'on' not 'at'.) Before I could start my presentation, a charming bright-eyed lad named Chris spoke out.

"What I want to know is this: We call God 'he' so he's a man, right? Now, what I want to know is, who does he have sex with?"

After explaining the difference between spirits and bodies, I headed back toward my subject. By then 25 minutes had passed. I sat a chair in the midst of us and they all correctly guessed that it was to remind us that Jesus was present. Then I asked how we knew that, when we couldn't see Him.

I was encouraged when Chris said, "I know he's here because I'm here."

"But HOW do you know?" I was delighted that Chris would be quoting from the Bible and proving my point for me.

He answered, very seriously, "Because when I got up this morning, Jesus put a gun to my head and said, 'Come on boy, We're going to that church thing.'"

When the session was nearly over, I said I thought there was something we needed to do before we dismissed. Chris nodded wisely and said, "Yes, I know. Pray ... for me."

Concluding that there was no one present who was adept at casting out demons, I fervently asked the Lord to keep us all out of trouble for the rest of the day, especially Chris, since everyone might not enjoy him as much as God and I did.

At lunch there was much discussion about how to improve the afternoon sessions. Some of Chris' peers suggested hanging him by his feet on a tree at the far side of an empty field. I could tell by the gleam in the eyes of some of the adults in charge that they thought it was a case of "out of the mouths of babes" and I quickly mentioned that often great saints hide for many years behind a facade of youthful folly.

When I left before the evening session, Chris came running up, threw his arms around me and said, "I'm going to miss you." I was deeply touched and flattered until on the drive home it occurred to me that he may have been genuinely afraid for his life without me around to defend him.



What is funny is that now, over 20 years later, one of my greatest joys is that in the last year, we have children in my church and I do a children's message each Sunday. And I'm excited about the "Fun To Be One Club" book series, which are for mid-grade children. I'd forgotten about Chris; I just might have to write him in as a character in one of the books. He would be in his thirties now. And I now pastor a church in that county. I can't remember if I changed his name back then - to protect the guilty. Who knows? He could be a pastor in that same community. Wherever he is I pray for him and all the honest and exuberant children like him, no matter what age they are. I hope he and they and I all escape the whales.

Book Contest

Board to Death: A Trio of Mysteries in the Dangerous Games Series releases today. My “Victim” is the first story in the book, followed by Debbie Roome’s "Mind Games", and Tracy Ruckman’s “Sentenced.” This book was so much fun to write. I’ve written several fiction books but this is the first time I had a hint of what God must feel like. I created these characters and then they proceeded to take over their own lives and surprise me! I hope you check it out and let me know if they surprised you too.

We're having a fun contest to celebrate, and will be giving away 8 digital copies of Board to Death.

To enter the contest, just leave a comment telling us what your favorite board game is, and why. If it's not a widely-known game, tell us a little about it. Then, be sure to leave your e-mail address so we'll know how to get in touch with you if you're a winner.

Two from each blog will win, and you can enter once at each site. You'll get one extra entry for each method you use to help promote the book - you can blog about it, tweet about it, or post it on Facebook. Just be sure to leave another comment with a link to your post to get the extra entries. Your comments/entries must be posted by Saturday, October 1, 11:59 p.m.

Thanks for helping spread the word about our fun book.

Here are the sites where you can enter:


Debbie Roome
Tracy Ruckman
Write Integrity Press

and my website here.

Here's book blurb and the video trailer is below.

Baby Boomers Polly Nichols, Lindsay Wilson, and Gretchen Anderson may live worlds apart, but they have one common hobby – a penchant for board games.

Polly’s serene Kentucky campground turns sinister when the manager is a VICTIM of murder.

In New Zealand, Lindsay’s life is turned upside down when MIND GAMES and evidence drag her into a murder case - as a suspect.

At the Kettle’s On Campground in Georgia, Gretchen matches wits with a murderous wordsmith intent on winning the latest game of SENTENCED.

You’ll love the games, the characters, and the stories – and we promise, you won’t be BOARD to Death!

To our readers: Our characters are Christians, just as the authors are who created them, so their lives and their stories reflect this viewpoint. We hope you enjoy our fun and unique stories.

As Little Children

Today I was asked by my District Superintendent about the state of my soul. The only thing I could think of is that my soul right now feels like a little child at several Christmases all rolled into one. Every area of my life is bearing fruit of dreams given over to the Lord and thought gone forever. But Jesus is the resurrection and the life.

My “Everyday Spiritual Warfare” book is endorsed by some of my favorite internationally known ministers and writers, published and available on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com and I’m having a book signing for that in November. It will also be for sale at an event I’m directing for the Lincoln County Arts Center in December “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas.” I’ve written a skit for that too - another praise report.

I have two more books out in the next 3 weeks. Well, 1 and 1/3. My novella “Victim” is a third of the Christian Murder Mystery trilogy “Board to Death” with Tracy Ruckman and Debbie Roome, and is already available by Kindle and will soon be available in hard copy through the online markets too.

Then by October 15, “Which Witch?” a mid-grade Christian fiction about Christian kids fighting witchcraft in the classroom, will be out. And the Fun To Be One Club - which has had many deaths and resurrections since 1979, with all ages and all races, comes back to life in “Which Witch?” and there will be an online FTBO Club site for both kids and adults to join in an affirmation of our oneness in the Spirit, along some fun and interaction. The survey readers are boys and girls from fourth through eighth grade and their responses have brought tears of joy to my eyes.

Three new members joined Mortonsville United Methodist Church last Sunday - and that makes six within less than 5 months. Amazing - in our little church which doesn’t even have a parking lot! Just a whole lot of loving people. And since last January I’ve had the privilege of needing to have a children’s message each Sunday when for years we didn’t have any children. (By the way, I found out that the adults like that message as much if not more than the grown up ones :-).

Saturday October 1, is Voice of Joy’s annual women’s retreat “A Day in Narnia.” Speakers will be two of my daughters, Ginny Smith and Beth Marlowe, one of my granddaughters, Maggie Tirey, and me. Narnia and family and loved ones attending! How good can it get?

Jesus said “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3
Hmm. Could it be that I feel like a child at Christmas now because somewhere along the way, I changed and became like an obedient child, gave up my dreams, and wanted only His will?

I did. And He is giving me back all the desires of my heart, purged of wrong motives and filled with humility and pure joy.

Happy Texting!

Now I know why James said that we should say "if it's the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that" (James 4:15). How many times have I foolishly said that I WILL write this blog regularly?

Okay, I've learned my lesson. I'm not going to say that anymore. It's been a month and a half since I've written a blog. BUT God's will for me for that time was that I completely revise a book I'd written, "Everyday Spiritual Warfare" which will be available for sale on Amazon in a few weeks. AND He helped me write a novella that a different publisher requested. I just finished that tonight.

But today while I was driving, I had a thought - not enough for a book or even a sermon, but just enough of a thought for a blog.

I realized that God used to send His Word to His people through others who spoke it or wrote it down, just like we humans used to have to write notes or letters to people in other places, or send messengers or both.

Later, God sent Jesus and then the Holy Spirit to communicate directly to us. Just like we eventually got telephones and could speak directly to people.

After home or office telephones we got cell phones where we could speak directly to any people anywhere, from anywhere - just like God speaks through His Body when He send us out to proclaim the good news of the Kingdom.

Then the cell phones added texting. Hmm. It's like we have gone back to writing notes instead of talking, but still it's very immediate and personal.

And that's like the Bible. The Scriptures are God's texts to us. Immediate and Personal if we'll read them. Hmm again! They are called texts - "the original words of something written or printed, not a paraphrase..."

So from now on you can think of your Bible as God texting you - open up and read so He can make it immediate and personal!

Happy texting.

"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works." II Timothy 3:16,17

Mercy and Judgment

I want to make two announcements before I get into today's message. Any day now the "address" for this blog will change. It will be www.amybarkman.com and will open to the blog as well as contain all the Voice of Joy Ministry and other pages - accessed by clicking on the name of the folder at the top of the blog page. Also sometime in August my husband will begin video recording "Parlour Talk" which will be me discussing the Word from my parlour - picture is above - where I spend time alone with Jesus as well as with others in His Presence. Please pray for that venture. Gary says the Lord told him to do it so I'm going to cooperate!

Now to the blog for today.

Yesterday was the Sunday before Independence Day. I signed up nearly a month ago for my church to be part of a program entitled Call2Fall which asked for commitments from individuals and churches to spend at least 5 minutes on their knees Sunday, July 3, in personal repentance and prayer for our nation. Over a million signed up - and since that included churches which could have populations of hundreds or thousands, no telling how many people knelt to intercede for our nation. I truly expect to see revival sweep the land as a result of this effort.

I began several weeks ago talking about repentance and revival from the pulpit. I handed out two sheets of questions to ask ourselves and let God's Spirit show us where repentance and purging is needed.(If you'd like copies of them, e-mail and ask and I'll attach them and send to you.) On July 3, seven people in Mortonsville United Methodist Church led us in prayers for:
Repentance & Revival among Christians
God's Power poured forth in and through the Body of Christ
Evangelism & Lost Souls
Respect for God's Word in the Church and Nation
Standards of Morality in the Church and Nation
Godly Government
Economy of the Church and Nation

After the prayers, I called for those who could to come forward and kneel to pray. I purposefully went to kneel at the first pew and did not look to see who did or did not come because I didn't want to be tempted to judge those who didn't. Later on I said to Gary "I don't want to know who did, but were there many who came to kneel and pray?" He said that with the exception of himself (in a wheelchair) and two other people for whom it is impossible to physically kneel, everyone in the church went up to bow in humility before the Lord. It's moments like that which make a pastor's heart beat quickly with joy.

I led in prayer also and prayed something that has never come out of my mouth before. I can only believe that it was the Lord leading me to pray that way. I've always been very much a believer in "Mercy rejoiceth against (or over) judgment" James 2:13. I love knowing that God loves to show mercy instead of judgment. My favorite beatitude is "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy." Matthew 5:7. Knowing that I need lots of mercy, I have been quick to show mercy to others! But Sunday morning I prayed a little differently.
"Father we hold up those in this nation that are the enemies of Your standards of morality, enemies of Your Word, enemies of the freedom on which this country was founded, enemies of the Lord Jesus Christ. For those who are Your enemies in ignorance we ask for Your mercy and that You send Your light to shine Truth into their hearts, and prepare their hearts to receive truth. Upon those who know what they are doing, who have chosen to be the enemies of You and Your people, enemies of Truth and Freedom, we ask You to bring judgment."

Frankly, I was in a state of shock the rest of the day. I've never ever asked for judgment to come to anybody, even those who have hurt me or my family.
But when I think of those Christian settlers who came to this land so they could have the freedom to worship in whatever way they chose - and when I hear that Christianity is the only faith that is being persecuted and mocked and even forbidden in places- I hurt. When I think of all those who gave their lives to protect our Constitution which is based on God's Law, and how often judges today rule against that Constitution, how often I hear it said that our Constitution is outdated - I hurt. And if I hurt, I know that the Heart of our Lord hurts first.

Please pray for mercy for all people but for those who see no need of mercy, those who are purposefully the enemies of God and His Word and His Law, pray that judgment comes to hinder their influence so that JESUS IS LORD over our country.
God bless you, and God bless America!!!